Often i think i’m too soft for this world. “Are you okay” will always send me into tears, when ambulances drive by i think about it for hours, and the love i’ve given other people, has commonly not been given back.
I fall for people extremely hard. The reason for this, i think, is because i see so deeply into who people are. I like and love for the 4am conversations we used to have when we both knew we’d have to be at school by 8, or for the way you’d always tell me you loved hearing me speak because i’d teach you to see things in a different way, or for how you always know my next move because you know my body language and the signs of a shift in mood. I love the nights where you confided in me, and for the times i realized i’d remember you always.
Other than romantic relationships, i have found it difficult to maintain friendships as i get older. We are all building our own lives, in different cities, with different friends, hobbies, loves, experiences. It’s hard to come back together and expect everything to be the same. The truth is it isn’t, and it never will be again. I find this hard to accept.
Especially lately, i’ve become ashamed of how soft i am. Things have become so heavy for me that i cry at the drop of a hat. The only way i can explain why this happens is that there is so much going on inside of me that i can’t compartmentalize it anymore. I have this constant want to be involved in others’ lives – to know the details, be there for them.
To the softies, learn to reel this in. I have found it so hard to accept that i can’t (and sometimes won’t want to) be there for everyone. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Be there for someone genuinely and whole-heartedly, but put it in its place when you need to.
To those who aren’t so soft, please be patient. I remember, and i hope others do as well, that tears are just a sign of passion. They’re a sign of care, understanding (or a want to understand), and most importantly, tears are a sign of strength. I think writing this is an effort to convince myself of this, because i know how much admiration i have for someone who can open up to me. I’m not sure why i don’t regard me opening up to someone else in the same way.
My point is just that being soft is not being weak. Being soft is being affected, being a good listener, being empathetic, nurturing, the one who’s always there for people. But being soft is definitely hard – a lot of the time. To those like me, don’t stop being soft. Show the depth of your emotions with those who deserve to see it. Don’t become hardened by the shitty world we live in. Stay gentle with the ones you love, but most importantly, with yourself.
For others, please be patient with us. We’re trying to get through a world that affects us in ways many people don’t understand. Just be there, and try and put yourself in the shoes of someone who feels too much almost every minute of every day. We are rare finds, but our complexities of course, make us an acquired taste. Just be kind, and be there.