04/02/19

I’ve come to realize in the past month that hours have become so significant for me. The anxiousness I feel knowing I only have a few left with my parents before I come back to school, the dreaded Sunday nights after dark when I plead with sleep to set in before I think too much, the nightly blues between 9 and 10pm, the weekly sessions with Dr M.

The first time seeing her, I felt like me not being able to handle my life by myself was a personal flaw. Honestly, I still feel that way. I take so much pride in always being there when people need me, but I struggle immensely with reaching out when I need help, and that got me into some dark times this year.

I still don’t even refer to her as “my therapist” because I have this shame associated with not being able to deal with things on my own. That’s kind of how I’ve come to realize that I am so cold and unforgiving with myself. I need to stop being that way. It’s just much easier said than done.

Last summer I noticed I started having huge dips in my mood. I felt like I was in a perpetual cycle of stress, unhappiness and unnecessary tears for months. Coming to school, I hoped the change of scenery would spark some passion in me – through the school work I was doing, the friendships I was nurturing, or the new relationships I tried to build. 

I think this is where I made a mistake.I tried to make happiness through constant distractions – going out too much, drinking a lot, smoking often, sleeping whenever I could; whatever I could do to be distracted from my own company. I hated this realization, because I used to love my own company. The solitude of silence was always something I enjoyed, and then this year, I couldn’t stand to be alone because I would become so anxious and just not know what to do with myself. I started to fixate on everything I wasn’t, how I felt so unfulfilled, and how few things were working out in my favour.

So this is the beginning of trying to make change, because I need to start giving myself the love I try to give others. I used to love to write, and I think maybe this will sort out some of my thoughts. I hope it’s a step in the right direction.

With love and hope,

Mel