10/09/18 i can’t feel what you’re saying

11/04/18 make this chaos count

11/19/18 I hope I’m what you need me to be

always If it feels like I’m forgetting you, I promise you, I’m not. I never do.

01/11/19 sometimes you just have to get out all the remember when’s

01/26/19 too many untold stories start making you feel tired

02/01/19 when you give them the comfort to be themselves

02/24/19 perpetual state of lost

03/24/19 do you ever miss yourself

04/03/19 “not a day goes by where I don’t think of you”

04/05/19 (am) do you kiss the other girls?
“not like this”

04/09/19 i belong to something that makes me weak

04/11/19 “i just wanted to know what that felt like, because i’ll be leaving soon”

04/15/19 does he make your head spin

04/30/19 jesus fuck i am so deeply drained

05/20/19 been dreaming about you

05/23/19 i feel like I’m always trying to throw out pieces of a sentence that says help me

05/25/19 maybe to forgive you i need to forgive myself first

05/29/19 – i told you sunday nights were the hardest –
sometimes I look back on what I’ve written and haven’t shown anyone, and I see myself so clearly. I remember when I read those letters to you, the ones where i just said over and over, i adore you. and i could see on your face maybe in that moment i made a bit of sense to you. I wish we could’ve stayed in that moment for so much longer. so i keep writing now, mainly about you and me. I’m trying to get you out of my system, because especially lately, you’ve been coming to me in so many different ways.

05/30/19 i just feel like there’s so much more to life than this. and i’m not sure how to get it, or get there, but i can’t help but feel like this is so insignificant. and i just hope eventually i will find significance in the little things.

06/14/19 “what if you meet people, who without even trying, just see you”

06/16/19 “well, i’m listening”

06/19/19 if you keep pouring yourself into them, you will be left so deeply empty, dear. it’s not worth it. it never will be.

07/11/19 wanna go back to when seeing you was like hearing that song for the first time

08/15/19 it’s loving, lying against someone in bed with heads filled with smoke
it doesn’t have to be an “in love”…just loving.
it’s how he looked at you when he’d had a couple and said he’ll miss you once you leave again, and the drunken laughter and handholding with the girls you’ve known for ages
that’s when i think – these are the moments i wanna remember
because we all have pieces of darkness in us, and sometimes i wonder if we keep telling each other about them, won’t we eventually just fill up? and will we still feel the same about each other if we do?
the high is good for your head, but it makes you miss and it makes you wonder
and maybe this is why it makes you write.
because writing is this, and it’s me and you and it’s us right now as you read
the dark is so minuscule when you look at it through the pockets of grey breathed out at nighttime

09/16/19 what saves you?

09/17/19 ask me what I’m thinking about
and tell him it can be casual if he wants
but know it might not be him you call when you’re more drunk than sad
and i’m high right now and i’ve just wanted to be asked that question
it’s about her now though, and you wonder whether the “about them” will stop
which is racing faster? your heart or your head?
and i’ll do it again to these songs because no one’s here, not even me

09/27/19 “i liked having you around”

10/21/19 she’s bringing me back to myself

18/01/20 & 31/03/20
i asked if i’m your first;
the thought when you wake up and the last before you go to sleep
you said yes
i said yes
i said you go through my head constantly
then months later i asked it again.
the response was a night and a love i won’t forget with you

30/03/20 it made so much sense in that moment, but as soon as i tried bringing it back, it was gone. it made me wonder how many moments i’ve lost to being down, and how many feelings and people disappeared just as quickly as they came into existence

24/04/20 i can feel my heartbeat in our songs

i hope i’ll write about you. because i need to remember the small things.
when i first knew you loved me back… it had already been 3 years for me.

06/26/20
sometimes i wonder if half the time i’m writing to myself, wanting to take up the lessons i pretend to already know.
everything was about you. now, scrambled words change into your nickname and i don’t want to write the i miss yous anymore because it’s constant.
i hope you’re so happy there. i hope the air takes away the emptiness you feel in wondering who would pick up the phone and pick up your pieces if you needed them to. and that the high brings you back to the ground knowing you’re soft and gentle in a way most people never are.
i hope the sunsets find your smiles and that you rub your eyes embracing your kiddish charms, because that’s so you, and you’re so worthy of good love, and of happiness and simplicity.
and i hope you’re spoken to with kindness and the gentle touch you used with me when trying to peel me out of bed.
all my love – despite our restlessness and how we didn’t know anything. we just tried to make the best of it.

07/01/20 there’s no way to be perfect, but a thousand ways to be good

if you miss me, send me a song

07/16/20 “i feel like there’s a lot of bad things that have happened to you ….and you haven’t told us any of it”

i wanted you to be woven between my pieces. i didn’t wanna dissolve into bedsheets anymore

“you know how she smiles all the time? she smiles different with you”

you shouldn’t have had to bring me back from a world that i couldn’t even describe, never mind exist in for too long

“do you have anyone that does this better, unbroken, than I do broken?”

“think of all the love that we shared, in a very dark time”

01/30/21 i saw the moon tonight. it was almost full, and so bright. that’s how we were at 16 when we laughed and became pieces of each other.
i think we both knew then we’d found something special.
i remember when i told you the moon is a psychological phenomenon, and how i realized later that you were too.
your love to me was shown in writings, in runs to stores, summer days on the dock, and company in misery. 
i think that’s when the friendly love turned sour.
“misery loves company” was a saying i never understood until i lost you. we stayed miserable together, and it bonded us. but being low together made us a codependent relationship; the other being such a source of the highs too. it’s hard not knowing what happened.
i wonder about us a lot. now i write about you like you wrote about me…and i wonder if i feature in your thoughts like you do in mine. there’s so many things i wish you’d been there for.
but eventually, we’ll become moons of our own, and be full and whole and bright. and we can come together and light the way for each other.
supplemental happiness. independence from the other. 
i wanna tell you now that i’ll go with you. my desperation for your attention outweighs the principle of me leaving you alone, because you chose to leave. and you are choosing to stay gone.
i remember how you wrote about the scrapbooks we’d have of our liquor and weed nights; the boys who broke us; the girls who did too…your niece you told me so many times, who would learn from you and from what you’d learned from us. maybe we were teaching moments in each other’s streams of life.
missing you. wish you the best x

how empty of me, to be so full of you

02/26/21 “you’re radiant mel. like sunshine”

04/14/21 i need to start writing about you again. maybe about us. and maybe even more about me.

04/23/21 “you are sunshine and bumblebees”

maybe we were meant to be, just not meant to last

12/28/21 im wrapped back up in his apologies and considerations, and im wishing i never met him at all.

12/30/21 what if the life in you lost me

01/19/22 i just wanna be so many things i’m not

03/26/22 i really hope it’s you

04/18/22 i always wonder what’s gone wrong. there’s the eye contact i’ve never held longer with anyone else. and the “come closer”s he says, mocking that i’ve always wanted him intertwined with me. it’s always run deep for me; everything has meant something. and i guess eventually you have to stop doing the thing that means more to you than it does to them. i don’t know how to be done with it though, because i guess i never have been

04/27/22 there’s one person i write about the most often. my friend jumped into the river a couple years ago…and yours was left for dead in a road where we’d once held hands. i’d written that day about finding myself, and about how you helped me do that. there’s also the girl who once said i was like the moon. she never knew who i was after you.
my first thought in the morning and last thought before i fell asleep were the same for two and a half years. i felt like i couldn’t stop thinking about you. but the way we made me teeter off an edge that was so precarious, and that for you, the fall was too familiar to keep messing with. sometimes i wanna be wrapped up again…but for you i think it’s done, and i think for the first time, maybe it is for me too.

06/09/22 i just wanna be explored and not consumed

20/08/22 I’ve always been obsessed with the concept of romantic love. When i’m not feeling it, i’m reading about it – in theory and in practice. I want to know how people say “I love you” without their heart racing and a lump in their throat. That’s never come naturally to me. Even when I feel it so deeply, I still struggle in connecting my mind to my mouth.
I want someone to teach me a simpleness…that being gentle is strong, and that love is easy.
Lately I’ve been thinking about waking up with someone and splitting a clementine. Nina Lacour wrote about tasting the same thing at the same time. With sticky fingers I’d ask her about her dreams the night prior. My legs are on her lap. I eat one and then she does too, alternating who gets each piece.
I’ve known Love as an anchor tied to me. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to float, I was drowning. I tried to drink her like water to save us both. With every swallow, I craved understanding. If I could keep up, we wouldn’t drown at all. 
Love then looked like missed deadlines, teary eyes, decaying friendships, too many shots, professors’ offices…but a depth of feelings I’ve never had before. I felt the deepest care I ever have, but I never felt the simplicity.
Love has also come as drunk calls and texts, with an air of desperation. But sometimes then it was the relief of her cold hands beside me in bed after a night out.
When I was too young to understand, there was a time when Love followed me to my room and asked me to open the door. It told me I didn’t know how I felt and that I should continue to let it in. It had access to me all the time. Until I asked for help, it didn’t leave. To this day sometimes that one resurfaces, and out of guilt, I let him back in. Inevitably, the ache comes back… wanting to be left alone. Wanting this grief masquerading as Love, to leave me be and to let what we’ve been through stay in the past.
I think about sharing a clementine in the morning and I remember the year when I could hardly eat because I was so filled to the brim. When I thought the emotional torture was a sign of the depth of our bond…that the Oasis songs reminded him of me enough that he’d think of me as a person and not a toy. That time, Love was control. And it left me reeling, but open-hearted. 
Now I’m older and Love has taught me more about what it isn’t than what it is.
And I’m slowly getting used to that.
Eventually Love will wrap me up in softness and understanding. And I’ll know exactly what it is…Love that is just that. 

10/31/22 art is just a way of avoiding death

12/11/22 my dreams really piss me off. we were together again; not in love, just in vicinity. i knew you were there before you saw me. it’s like i sensed you. we acted the way i expected we would. love pouring out of me, and ice becoming you. that’s my fault.
we were back in school and i couldn’t keep my mind or my eyes off you. you couldn’t look at me though.
missing someone makes them feel a lot closer than they are, and that’s why it feels good. and why it feels so familiar. there’s a lot of comfort in sadness if you’ve been in it for long enough.
being stuck in the missing keeps that person at the forefront of your mind, and it makes them into more of an idea, an apparition, than a person. and that’s less likely to hurt you.
it’s like dreams of these past people is microdosing being with them again. in every one though, i sense the hesitation between us, heavy in the air. that’s a part that’s unfamiliar. it’s heavy because it’s new. we were always all in.

05/13/23 do you still feel close to me?
i feel even closer.